Like I ever stood a chance.....

I never stood a chance when it came down to it.  The moment I laid eyes on Buddha I knew I was suppose to be his Mommy. My life changed in an instant and it almost killed me putting him in the back seat of someone else's car and having to wait another week for him to come home to me.

He is a funny kid. It was a month before his second birthday and he weighed 16 pounds. He was so tiny and had a huge vocabulary. The first month was a dream. He was cuddly and loving and always dancing and singing. Then the honeymoon was over.

The tantrums started. Oh my Good Golly the kid could throw a fit. He would scream for hours, and by hours I don't mean like 2! It was like 12-16. He would pull his hair and bite himself. He would kick and throw stuff, but mostly he would just scream. I cried through them with him most of the time. The anguish on this tiny person's face was enough to kill you!

Our struggle began....He had been so hurt, so abused, so neglected, so tortured, so unloved that I wasn't sure if I was going to be enough. There are days that I am still not sure I will be enough.....

But on nights like tonight when my heart is heavy and I am not sure what to do for him I still know that we were meant for each other and that I will never give up on him or stop believing in him. He is my boy, my Little Prince and my heart bleeds for him!

So to all you people out there that have taken kids like Buddha in...You amaze me. I respect you and I hope you get all the support and love you deserve. I hope people out there can cut you some slack and give you a smile when your little one(or not so little one) is misbehaving in public, or swearing at you or  throwing a fit. I hope you know even if you never hear a sincere I Love You that you have saved that child's life. I hope you can forgive your self when you are angry. I hope you can forgive yourself when you Fuck up and let me tell you, we all definitely fuck up with these kids. If you are teachers or social workers I hope you support these families and listen, really listen to what they are saying. You don't know how many times I felt unheard or not believed about my boys.

Buddha and I are still finding our way, and it has been 4 years, but we are still dancing and laughing together so I am sure we will eventually find the right path together.


It's been a hard road, and a really hard day....but I love my boy and I feel blessed!

PS Sorry for the potty mouth but I'm writing what I am feeling tonight?!=)